Homecoming is a Process
Homecoming should be viewed as a process rather than a single event. Often times the initial reaction is to throw a big welcome home party when the loved one returns. The returning service member may not be ready for this. The entire family should talk to each other about their expectations even before the loved one returns home. A variety of things need to be renegotiated including who pays the bills, who takes the kids to school, who mows the lawn, or completes the laundry. All of this is normal. Readjustment takes time and effort. No one can do it alone. Sometimes it may help to seek outside assistance.
Preparing for Homecoming
Everyone hopes for a perfect, joyous reunion!
Here are a few tips to help it go smoothly:
- Keep it simple. Your returning service member will most likely be anxious to see you, but more exhausted than he or she has ever been.
- Don't expect a storybook or perfect reunion. The pressure of having everything be "just right" can take away from the joy of reunion.
- Communicate openly about your expectations and feelings. Listen carefully to the needs and desires of your returning service member. His or her needs may be very different from yours.
- The returning parent should be briefed about newly-developed household routines such as bedtimes and chores.
- Take time getting to know each other again to re-establish family and couple relationships.
- Watch for signs of combat stress or other difficulties during everyday activities.
Families Change
While homecoming can be a time filled with great joy, it can also produce a great deal of anxiety on everyone's behalf. Every family member's feelings need to be considered.
Consider the following:
- It is important to prepare by communicating so there are fewer surprises.
- Everyone will need to adjust as relationships are re-established.
- Sometimes, family members need assistance adjusting.
- Face-to-face communication with a partner can be challenging.
- Be clear, make an effort to listen, share feelings and remember to negotiate.
- Concerns and anxiety about re-establishing intimacy are common.
- Communicate openly, honestly, listen and be respectful of other people's concerns.
Family Expectations
Service members and their families all come to reunions with expectations and assumptions.
As you prepare, it may be helpful to be aware of these common experiences:
- Many service members find they miss the excitement of deployment or unit camaraderie for a while.
- Understand that things have likely changed at home while you were gone.
- Children have grown physically, mentally and emotionally.
- Your family has had to become more independent in order to survive without you.
- Face-to-face communications may be difficult at first.
- Sexual closeness may be awkward at first.
- Children have grown in many different ways even in a short period of time.
- Children take time to get to know you all over again.
- Household roles and routines have changed in your absence.
- Spouses have become more independent and learned new coping skills.
- New family friendships and support systems have been formed.
- Babies and toddlers may not remember you and may cry initially.
- Even older children may hide from you and be slow to come to you.
- Children may harbor feelings of resentment, abandonment, sadness, confusion or even anger over the departure of a parent.
- Service members may have changed.
- Service members can easily become overwhelmed by the new-found noise and confusion of home life.
- Service members may be on a different schedule for sleeping and eating due to jet lag and the demands of their schedule while deployed.
- Service members may wonder if they still fit into the family.
- Service members may feel hurt if young children take time to warm up to them.
- Additonal Resources:
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www.militaryfamily.org
Click here for to learn how to prepare for deployment and homecoming as presented by the National Military Family Association.